Teacher figures, policemen, judges and women who remind him of his mother are all brought before him uttering such phrases as "You are a menace to society, Keegan" and "There's a clever boy to eat up all his din-dins", until he is able to greet both extremes of human contact with resilience.We are also happy to welcome Patient 87314, Lewis, L., a famous pugilist in the outside world. "Why It's Time For Clueless Kevin To Give Up His Naive Struggle" read the headline in the Mail. "Go Back to Liverpool and Boil Your Head, You Blow-Dried Layabout" read another.It does not take a genius to see that this kind of see-saw response can awaken conflicting feelings in the sensitive manager. "Kilted Klowns Krushed by Krafty Kev's Konquerors" read another.These public judgements often have a profound effect on the self-esteem of the people at whom they are directed. So it must have been rather a blow when, only a few days later, the papers presented a different analysis of Mr K's worth. Although England had beaten Scotland on aggregate, and thus qualified to take part in the Euro 2000 tournament, everything had changed.
His job is to prepare players to win matches and maintain a high level of morale. When his team won 2-0 against Scotland, he received many plaudits. "Golden Boy Keegan Brings England Heroes to Heart of Europe" read one paper's headline. Typically there are two "events" (or "anxiety triggers") with different outcomes: one good, one bad. The reaction of the Press to both is never what the patient had anticipated.Patient 86930, Keegan, K., is one such victim He is the manager of the England football team.
We have facilities to treat all manner of sporting hero afflictions, including the awful Multiple Addiction Syndrome, whose sufferers experience feelings of disorientation because they were too drunk the night before to remember at which casino they left a stash of amphetamine sulphate. But the most pressing problem is Baffling Press Identity Confusion Anxiety, a state of schizophrenia which follows sporting triumphs. Those of you who haven't visited the Lillywhites special unit on the fourth floor are in for a treat. As you know, we get a lot of patients in here from the world of sport, many of them temporarily in the thrall of narcotics, alcohol or reporters from the News of the World. Thus far, the only person in this category to put his name forward is Mr Malcom McLaren.Ms Jackson embraces both categories She was both famous and an excellent actress. Unfortunately she disliked her job; rather as Richard Burton did But alas, she does not seem to like her new work much more. I commend the advice of the 1940s song: "Powder your face with sunshine, put on a great big smile." Still, she has behaved with dignity throughout, as also has the Liberal Democrat candidate, Ms Susan Kramer I do not expect Ms Jackson to win the Labour nomination. If Mr Dobson rather than Mr Livingstone wins it instead, I shall be voting for Ms Kramer, with Mr Norris as my second choice Others will do likewise..
This week, Graham Tosterone, the Friary's special consultant for Very Confused Sportsmen, writes: Hi there, sport fans. But one might have thought that two or three men or women of parts could have been persuaded to place their names before the public. Alternatively, or additionally, a few people who are famous for being famous might have been prepared to enter the contest for the publicity, if for no other reason. One does not expect Nobel prizewinners to put themselves forward.
